Sibling Jealousy: How to Prepare Your Child for the Baby’s Arrival

Why sibling jealousy is natural

When a baby joins the family, an older child may not be jealous because they dislike their sibling. Often, they are simply experiencing a major change: parents have less time and availability, familiar daily routines shift, and everyone’s attention naturally turns to the newborn. The child may worry about whether they will still be loved, important and safe.

Jealousy cannot be completely “eliminated” – and that does not have to be the goal. Feelings are not bad in themselves. Gradually, children need to discover that they can feel anger, sadness and love at the same time, and that their parent’s love did not disappear when the baby arrived. Your role is not to persuade them to be constantly excited, but to support them through their emotions and protect everyone in the family.

The intensity of a child’s reactions depends on their age, temperament, current needs and how many other changes the family is experiencing. Toddlers find it difficult to understand time and imagine the future. Preschoolers may ask many questions, while school-aged children may notice practical consequences, such as less time spent with their parents. Every child therefore needs a slightly different kind of preparation.

Reassurance helps most: “Even though many things will change, I am still your mum/dad and I will always take care of you.”

How to prepare your older child before the birth

Talk about the baby simply, truthfully and in an age-appropriate way. You do not need to create an image of a perfect playmate. A newborn will mostly sleep, cry, drink milk and need a great deal of care. Realistic expectations will make the first weeks easier for your child.

• Involve them, but do not force them. Your child can help choose clothes, prepare a place for the baby or draw a picture. If they do not want to, respect that.
• Read books and play. A doll or stuffed animal can be used to play at changing nappies, using a gentle touch and waiting until a parent has finished caring for the baby.
• Maintain important rituals. A bedtime story, breakfast together or a short walk are small but powerful sources of security.
• Handle major changes in advance. If you are planning a move to their own room, starting preschool or potty training, do not present it as “making room for the baby”. If possible, schedule the change earlier and give your child time to adjust.
• Prepare visitors too. You can ask close family and friends to greet the older child first after the baby is born and give them a few minutes of genuine attention.

Avoid phrases such as “You’re a big kid now, you have to understand” or “You won’t be jealous, will you?” Older children also have the right to need a cuddle, help and reassurance. Instead, try naming what you observe: “It must be hard to wait while I’m holding the baby. I can see that you’d like to be with me.”

Signs of jealousy: they do not always look like anger

Jealousy can be obvious, but it can also be quiet. Some children protest, shout, defy adults or reject the baby. Others withdraw, become more tearful, demand more of a parent’s attention or suddenly want to do things “like a baby” – for example, being carried, fed or using items they had already outgrown. More frequent conflicts, disrupted sleep or increased sensitivity to separation may also appear.

Such behaviour is often a child’s way of saying: “I need more reassurance.” Instead of punishing the emotion, separate the feeling from the behaviour. You might say: “You can be angry, but you cannot hit.” Or: “It’s okay that you don’t like it when the baby cries. We’ll find a way for you to have a break.”

Comparing siblings usually increases tension. Statements such as “Look, the baby doesn’t cry as much as you do” or “Why can’t you be kind like your brother?” will not help. It is much more useful to notice specific efforts without pressure: “You waited nicely while I finished changing the baby. Now I’m here for you.”

What helps after the baby arrives: closeness, choice and boundaries

During the first weeks, do not aim for perfect balance every minute. Babies have urgent needs, but older children need to experience that they have not been pushed aside. Short, regular periods of focused attention can help – even ten minutes a day without a phone, during which the child leads the play and the parent is truly present.

1. Offer small choices. “Would you like to read before your bath or after your bath?” This gives children a sense of influence at a time when many decisions are being made without them.
2. Talk aloud about the older child’s needs too. Sometimes the baby can “wait” for a safe moment: “Baby, wait a moment, I’m helping your sister with her shoe now.” This is not pretending, but a signal that both children’s needs matter.
3. Do not assign the role of a little parent. Help is welcome, but the older child is not responsible for caring for their sibling. Let them remain a child.
4. Protect their belongings and space. Some toys can be just theirs. At the same time, teach simple rules for shared spaces and calmly repeat them.
5. Notice positive moments too. Without exaggerating, acknowledge a gentle touch, an effort to cooperate or kind play. Attention does not need to come only during conflict.

If your older child says “Give the baby back” or “I don’t like the baby”, do not take it as a definitive statement about their future relationship. Stay calm: “I hear that this is a lot for you. The baby is staying with us, and I’ll help make it easier.”

When there is a risk of harm: safety always comes first

Curiosity and clumsy touching are possible with young children, so never leave an older child alone with a baby without direct supervision – not even for a short time. Demonstrate gentle touch, show them where they may touch the baby, and stay nearby whenever they interact.

If a child hits, pinches or pushes the baby, throws an object or attempts to hurt them, intervene immediately and calmly. Physically separate the children, take care of the baby’s safety first, then briefly state the boundary: “I won’t let you hurt the baby. You can show your anger with words, hit a pillow or come to me.” Avoid shaming or labels such as “you’re a bad brother” or “you’re a bad sister”. You need to stop the behaviour, not label the child.

Consider contacting a paediatrician, child psychologist or another qualified professional if attempts to hurt the baby recur or escalate, the child talks about seriously harming themselves or others, they have very intense and long-lasting difficulties, or you feel unable to reliably ensure safety at home. Seeking help does not mean you have failed as a parent – it can provide practical support for your child and your whole family.

A sibling relationship is built over years, not during the first few days after returning home from the hospital. Kind guidance, predictable boundaries and small daily doses of attention create space for jealousy to gradually ease while closeness grows alongside it.